Mothers Day Blues

Feeling really sad this Mother's Day.  I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I don't think about the MC as often or count how far long I should be.  The harsh reality is I fear I will have to endure this sadness forever, well, as long as I dwell here on this earth.  I'm filled with mixed emotions today, Anger, because my little one was taken from me too soon. As horrible as it is to say, yes, anger, towards my Heavenly Abba.  Why did He allow this to happen?  Didn't He know how excited I was?  Did I deserve to have such an evil trick played on me, to have a baby dangled in front of me and then taken away?  I know all of these thoughts are lies from the enemy, who would love more than anything for me to be angry with my Father, to cause our relationship to falter.  But, If I'm not honest with myself about these thoughts I could never recognize them for what they are and choose to renew my thinking.  On the flip side, I know my Father loves me more than anyone every could and does not desire to hurt His Children, especially those crying out for His Will to be done in their lives. I have to convince myself that He has my best interests at heart and the pregnancy was just not a viable one that would've ended in tragedy either way, which in that case, I'm thankful to Him that it ended sooner rather than later.  This internal struggle was intense the days following the MC and I had thought I dealt with it and had come to a peace about it, but I guess some of it is still lingering.  Not only do I still have anger, but of course an immense saddens, a sadness that only an empty and longing womb can bring.  Will my womb ever be filled with new life again?  Has it been closed up forever?  These are questions that haunt me, questions that only time can answer.  And even if I could know the answer for sure, would I accept it?  I bottle these emotions up and deal with them silently, what else can I do? Even if I screamed them from the rooftop and was surrounded by emotional support it would not bring the healing within that I need.  Only my Heavenly Father can bring the comfort and healing and peace that I need.  And only I can allow Him to do that.  I desire happiness again, joy, expectancy, confidence in myself, that I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I feel lost, direction-less, stagnant. And very lonely at times.  When will things change, when will I change, when will life make sense again?