Finding Peace at 12dpo and for my Future

I am now awaiting and expecting AF to visit any day now, she sent some of her "cramping messengers" this AM...so I'm on stand-by.  Took another IC yesterday morning and got another BFN, not surpirsed.  The faint disappointment I have felt this cycle is all but gone...now it's Full Speed Ahead to the next Fertile Window!  The good news is I have two full charted cycles to go off of and once AF arrives I'll be able to properly calculate my next O.  Gonna keep reaching...as long as I have fertile eggies available, I'm not giving up. 

I would love May to be my month, but I'm now concerned about that possibility.  My DH has just started working 6-7 days a week and will continue like this for a few weeks or more, financially this is Great!...BUT..seeing that we do not have insurance and have to rely on Govt. funding for my Pregnancies, we would not qualify for assistance in May, if his checks were too high.  Just something else to consider when timing everything.  So, I will really have keep this in mind next cycle.  First and foremost, I have to remain Faithful to the Faithful ONE...He is my Provider & Protector...He is the ONE who Opens & Closes the womb.  I can make all the plans I want, but ultimately He is in Control and knowing this is where I find Peace for my Present and my Future.  In Him and Him alone I place my Trust!  If it is His Will for me to get PG in May, then it will all work out.  I want His Will, not mine.
 ‘For I know the plans I am planning for you,’ declares יהוה, ‘plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and an expectancy. ‘Then you shall call on Me, and shall come and pray to Me, and I shall listen to you. And you shall seek Me, and shall find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:11-13

BFN

Big Fat Negative at 9dpo. :-(  Although I do believe I may get a Big Fat Positive on a UTI test, which I have to go pick up today.  I think I'm out of the running for conceiving my Rainbow in April 2011, but that's okay, there's always May 2011 :-).  I have officially gone into AF mode and expect her visit at the end of the weekend.  I had a feeling yesterday I was not PG, I had my day of grieving all day yesterday, plus with having a possible UTI I'm sure that didn't help my mood.  So, today, even though I am bummed I have to wait a whole other month to Try Again, I'm filling up with optimism again for next month.  I can not allow myself to attend the pity party for too long, stopped in for a quick moment, but have quickly left and am heading back down the path of hope.  I know I will see my Rainbow, I believe it so strongly, I just have to keep reaching toward the clouds and wait for my Heavenly Father to reveal it.  I was going to continue with my IC's the rest of the week, but I don't think I'm going to do that.  Now, if for some reason I begin to have PG symptoms within the next few days and AF runs late, I will use one for sure.  But, for now, I think I'll just save them for May.  One of my BBC buddies, who also has had to hang it up for the month of April, has said it best...April may have brought showers, but I'll hope for May flowers...and so will I.
The good news is I have another charted cycle, filled with useful information, to help me in my journey!

Remaining Hopeful, but Preparing for good ol' Aunt Flow should she decide to visit soon

Been feeling kinda down today, have a sad feeling I'm not going to be getting my BFP this month.  My back was hurting and my skin was breaking out way more than usual in the beginning of my 2WW and I was also feeling some twinges and things going on in my uterus, but for the past couple of days I haven't felt much.  I'm only about 4-5 days from AF and I should be feeling sore bb's or something, but nothing.  I have a few FRER tests and have decided to go ahead and take one with FMU in the morning.  They can detect up to 5 days before AF, and when I found out I was PG in Jan. I got an early result at 9dpo.  I'll be 9dpo tomorrow and I'm figuring if I am I should see something faint.  If I don't I'll just continue to use my IC's til AF.  Also, the past few days I've felt like a UTI or Bladder Infection was coming on, I've been drinking Cranberry juice trying to deter one, but I don't know if it's working.  I know I really should drink more water, and I have been trying to.  I've never been much for water, even now I have to flavor it with a Raspberry Lemonade powder from Propel to get a whole bottle down.  Anyway, I just feel so blah today, and I feel like it's even showing in my writing right now. UGHH.... a + in the morning would be such a pick me up!  Those months waiting to O, then waiting to test can really drag on and on and on.... I want my little Rainbow so bad I can taste it!  You know I'll never understand how a women can release her egg, have a gazillion sperm around it and still not get PG...just boggles my mind.  So, far, 4 of my cycle buddies on BBC have gotten their BFP's...I'm so happy for them and truly wish them the best, but what about me? I want one toooo.   Oh well, as you can see my mind is losing hope for this month fast and starting to go into AF wait mode. (Blech).  I'll be sure to update my result in the morning, either way I'm determined to have a better day tomorrow.
Still keeping my fingers crossed and praying for my miracle~

Good Check up...but still waiting....little baby are you in there???

Dr.'s Appt. went well today, but still waiting to test, I'm still too early, like I thought, so she did not do a test at the office.  She wanted to see me to check up on a cyst that was found last month when I was admitted into the hospital for pain in my abdomen.  The CAT scan showed a nice size cyst on my left ovary.  She said that anything 5cm or bigger they become more concerned with and sometimes have to administer meds or even surgery to deal with them and mine was 4cm, so fairly borderline, big enough for her to want to check up on.  She wanted to do an ultrasound, but since I have no insurance and an office u/s is $300, I was like, um, is that completely necessary?  She was gracious enough to settle for doing a pelvic exam to see if she could feel any differences that way, but said if she felt something she was going to want to do the u/s.  After a couple minutes of very uncomfortableness, the good news was she said she did not "feel" anything on my ovaries.  How she could stick her fingers in there far enough to fondle my ovaries, I have no idea, but hey, she's the Dr., and I surely don't have an extra $300 laying around, so I'll gladly take her word for it.  I had also brought copies of my last two cycles printed off from FF for her to look over.  She actually took her time and studied them for a quite a well and said they look great, and it looks like I am Oing, so she doesn't see any potential problems.  We went over the Plan Of Action (POA) for if I pop up Preggers within the next week.  I am to call her office immediately to schedule Labs, she would want an Hcg level check and a P check.  It feels really good this go round to have more of my crap together, especially with going through the MC and basically feeling alone and had NO idea what was going on!  I remember how shocked I was the first time I called to schedule my first appt., I had just found out that week, and they scheduled me for like 8 wks. later!  Honestly, with my last pregnancies I never remember having to wait that long to actually see the Dr.  I mean I know they can't really see or hear much before 8wks., but it gives a woman such a peace of mind to be able to at least go in and see the Dr's face, hear some encouraging words, maybe do a blood test to make sure levels are rising and everything's okay!  I mean come on really?  SO, this go round having learned so much about my cycles and having become well acquainted with my Dr. and her ready to give me the care I will need Right From the Start, REALLY will make and humongous difference and make me feel oh so much better about the whole thing.  NO MORE MC's PLEASE!!!

Her recommendation was to wait at least a week before testing...haha...yeah like that's going to happen!  I'd probably start my period before then, and what fun would that be!  No, no, no...I'll be testing within the next couple of days.  I went on FF the other day and was searching out pregnancy charts of women with shorter LP's to see when they got their first +'s.  My LP has been running shorter than the average around 12dpo.  The ones I saw were all 10 and less and they had gotten their +'s at 7dop.  So, I figure If I add a couple more days on to theirs to make my 12, I should be able to see something at 9dpo.  I'm going to try one Wed, I'll be 9dpo and just keeping testing till AF, who I'm hoping won't show up!  Needless to say, I'm sure that tomorrow will go by in super slow mo for me....must try to keep my mind busy for the next 30 hrs....Any suggestions??

Getting past the drama and continuing to wait...

Big Exhale and sigh of weariness.... I've been dealing with some family drama all weekend, so I've been kinda bummed. *sad face*  I do not want to take up my precious baby blog with all the crap that has been going on, so I'll just suffice to say, my "religious beliefs" have continued to alienate me from my family, sad but true.  I have decided to cut ties with my dad's side for awhile, since we've pretty much hit a brick wall with one another and I really don't need ANY extra stress in my life these days (I'm TTC here!).  So, that has been my main reason for being away from my Blog for more than a day, BUT, I'm putting it all out of my mind and going to re-focus on the priorities in my life...which includes me, my faithful sidekick (DH), my three amigos, and my Rainbow! :-)

Now, on to Blogging..Ahhh... I am going on 6dpo, already!  Seems just like yesterday I was eagerly waiting to O, which is good news..my 2WW is going by quickly, yay.  I have felt a lot of activity going on in my uterus today, twitching and pinching-like and almost like a faint soreness/tenderness down there, so much so that I thought for a moment I might have a UTI, cause the sensation was so low (right above my pubic bone).  But, I don't think I have a UTI, at least I hope not.  I do know that I don't normally feel these things during a NonPG 2WW, so fx'ed (fingers crossed) this is a good sign.  I'm not sure if I've implanted or not, but haven't noticed any spotting or anything, but women don't always have implantation spotting, so that's not a necessity for me.  I'm getting closer to my Dr.'s appt.though and I'm so interested in how that will go, I mean I really don't even know what it's for, other than just for my Dr. to see my face and ask me how I'm doing.  I will bring my last too charts printed from FF for her to look over and with me being in my 2WW she may want to check my Progesterone or even do a Blood Test (?)  But, I'll just have to wait and see when I get there.  The hardest part about being in the 2WW, besides having to wait of course, is keeping the emotions in check...You don't want to get too excited about being PG when there is a strong possibility you aren't, but then a part of you just can't help the thoughts of "What if I am", which then lead to imagining baby and all the fun stuff that comes with expecting baby.  Then, you go through the internal war of "to Pee or not to Pee", that is the question.  You don't want to pee to early, cause you don't want to see a negative, but the POAS addiction longs to drive you to the test day by day, I mean it's pretty sad when you wake up in the morning and your first thought is, "What do I do with my FMU?" then when you decide to wait, you doubt yourself the whole time your precious FMU is going down the toilet! LOL!  Yes, I'm being a little ridiculous, but I'm telling you, any woman who has TTC would tell you these things do happen!  I have a dear friend on BBC who seriously should get the POAS award, she just can't help herself and I feel sorry for her because she POAS when it's clearly way to early to be POAS, so naturally she gets negative results, which drive her crazy.  Her and I are currently the same dpo and she's already taken 2 HPT's!  I'm not even sure if the most advanced blood test could even pick up a pregnancy that early!  I mean, geez at least give it time to implant and actually produce the Hcg...lol... It's funny, but I don't think she's crazy, I totally get her, she's a woman trying to have a baby...so stand back! ;-)  I on the other hand would love to wait as long as I possibly can to POAS, I'm not fond of seeing the minus sign..I don't like the minus sign, he's mean.  So, my plan is, if my Dr. does not test me Monday, I'm going to try to wait til Friday (okay maybe Thurs. but no sooner than that!).  I would be 10-11dpo by then and if my LP is around 12 or 13 like I think it is, that should be a good enough length to wait.
But, for now I will be patient and take note of any additional signs I may experience.  Oh and my BBT is looking good, BTW.  I had another nice big rise today...whoo hoo..keep 'em coming! 

P.S. I love you Blog, thanks for being such a good listener *kisses*

Sigh of Relief... & Confessions of a conflicted mind...

Whewww....my hopes for a temp rise this morning have been answered!  *booty shake* So, my low temp yesterday was, as I suspected, a fall-back temp and nothing to worry about.  Today is a good day!  The excitement for this cycle continues to grow.  Am I Pregnant??  That is the question, and thankfully I only have about a week to find out the answer.  Speaking Positively, lets say that I am... My fertilized egg should be in my tube making its journey headed toward my uterus and home for the next 9mths!  It should implant sometime by the end of this weekend, in which I could possibly expect: Implantation pain, Implantation Spotting, Light Cramping, or Absolutely nothing (every PG is different).  At that point my P should be remaining high and the now zygote should be releasing Hcg, but levels not high enough to be tested.  By, Wed. I should be able to pick up on some signs of the PG and by Thursday the Hcg might be high enough to be tested via HPT.  I will be 9dpo.  My LP has been ranging 12-13, so I can figure if I haven't gotten a + by Saturday, I can most likely expect AF (Oh the horror of a thought)....Nah, I will be disappointed, but not discouraged and will just keep trying.  Father's timing is always right on time!
Now, in the past, I would get my + and immediately shout it from the rooftops with uninhibited joy, BUT, after going through the MC only 2 mths ago, I have become very reserved in sharing my news.  It doesn't help that DH (Dear Hubby) does not want me to be PG and is No support whatsoever.  He is not open to the idea of my TTC, but has not made it impossible for me either (if you catch my drift), so I figure, this is my life and my dream and my choice just as much as it is his.  If it was up to him, I doubt we would have the precious gifts that we have now!  My thoughts are, why bother him anymore with my dreams of having another and my attempts at doing so, it would just bring him unnecessary frustration and concern.  I know for a fact, (from past experience) if I was to become PG he would be just as excited as I, so for his sake and my sanity I will just wait and skip to the exciting part with him.  Getting back to my new found reservations and caution of sharing the good news, going through the MC was traumatic for, not only myself, but my whole family, I have no intentions of putting them through that sadness again.  Right now, I question whether I even want anyone, including DH, to know until at least my first Well Visit, which wouldn't be til 8 wks.  This would be preferred, IF I could keep the news to myself that long, 2 mths is a long time to retain such a secret.  And there are pros and cons to this.  The cons of keeping this entirely to myself would be the lack of support if something negative were to occur and the backlash of them realizing I kept this news to myself. Also, of course, I would be in secret torture trying to bottle up my excitement.  I would find some relief in my buddies at BBC (babycenter) who I've been confiding with all along and are also TTC (strangers really, with one misson in common).  I just know, if I were to tell DH from the get go and something bad were to happen, I have a feeling it would really do damage to my chances of TTC in the future, DH might do something stupid and fix himself to where it wouldn't be possible for me anymore!  That would seriously crush me and break my heart into a million pieces.  So, I don't know, this is quite the confliction going on in my thought process.  The pros of telling early are obvious, it would allow others to share in my joy (well, not the neo-Nazis of the family when it comes to baby news, but I wouldn't tell their butts until absolutely necessary anyway).  [TANGENT TIME...But what the heck is it any of their business anyway!  Don't people realize what a gift it is to be given the miracle of life!!!  Are people that darn selfish and have that much nerve to ever return your excitement with anything less than a happy Congratulations!!  Guess what they actually are!  Isn't in a crying shame!  I mean you would think you're telling them, They are PG, Have to carry a baby for 9 mths, Have to deliver the Baby, then Provide and Care for this child for the rest of it's life!!  Helloooo... Newsflash...It's NOT about you, so get over it!  Either your a friend, who loves us unconditionally and will be joyful when we are joyful or sorrowful when we are sorrowful OR You're Not!  And anyone, family included, who can not see a blessing for what it is, can stick it where the sun doesn't shine and spare me their phony happiness when the baby is born!!  Okay...Tangent over]  Also, I would have support from the beginning.  Right now, my pros are just not outweighing my cons, so idk.  If I could hold off for 8wks. the ONLY ones I would consider telling at that point would be DH, my kids, and my immediate family members, possibly a few close friends.  The FB Post would def. be put on hold til at least 12wks!  There is nothing worse than telling the whole world how excited you are then having to come back during utter depression and toll out the bad news, heaven forbid.
But, I am only 3dpo, so I will not go there yet...Like Scarlett O'Hara says, "I won't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow, for tomorrow's another day".
So, as it stands, I am hoping to continue to see my temps rise and/or stay elevated the remainder of my LP and beyond!  I have a whole week to wonder, dream, imagine and obsess...

The Ups & Downs of TTC

OH, what a Roller coaster Ride it is when TTC!  Sometimes charting can be overwhelming, it's not the charting itself that's overwhelming it's the knowledge that one can acquire from charting.  You know the saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you", what a double-edged sword that is, yes, it can hurt to know, but not knowing can be just as damaging.  I love charting and would recommend it to any woman, the wealth of information that a woman can gather about her body is empowering, BUT it can turn into quite an obsession if you're not careful.  You can begin to obsess over every temp, every rise, every dip, when you REALLY O'ed, the number of cycle days, the number of luteal phase days, on and on and on...And then, the more charted cycles you have under your belt the more you drive yourself nuts wondering why this one doesn't look like that one, and why that temp did that on that day and this temp did this on this day...Get the picture?  Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying charting and all the madness that comes with, but it's not for the faint or anxious at heart.
Take for instance take my temp this morning, remember how happy I was yesterday to get my temp rise?  Well, this morning I had a temp drop! YYYEEAAHH.... Talk about throwing a monkey wrench in your day, and before you even get out of the bed too!  Then starts the "Whys", that can never be answered.  After, a day of searching and reading (thanks to my morning surprise) I've now come to the understanding of something called the "Fall-back Rise", this is a typical occurrence for women, especially on the 2ndDPO.  So, I've decided to wait til taking my temp tomorrow morning before I officially freak out.  If all goes according to plan my temp WILL Rise and continue to stay elevated (past 97, at least) for the remainder of my LP.  If by some act of the devil, it continues to tease me by going up and down, I will have to unfortunately assume my cycle is Annvolutory, a fancy word for "You didn't O, girl!"  And the cycle will be meaningless, I mean infertile, and that's the last thing I want to be right now!  So, today I have been white-knuckling the bar of the roller coaster on its little dip and tomorrow, fingers crossed, I will be making my slow and relaxing ride up as I hope to goodness there are no loop-dy loops ahead!!!  Ahhhhhh!!!  This is all for you, Rainbow!

Got my temp rise today!! Yay!

Whew!!  I was getting nervous there for a minute, I got my rise a day later than I thought I would.  It's all good, though, as long as my temps stay up, up, up...for the next 9mths. would be GREAT!  I can't help but be excited though as I wait til testing.  One of my charts gave me the highest rating for BD timing and my ovulation, so there is a good chance this is my month!  If so, the baby will be due Jan. 9, 2012, that is right around my oldest son's birthday (Jan. 3rd), so that would be pretty special.  Now I'm thinking about when I became PG with him, it was around this time 14 years ago!  That's so crazy.  My sister and I are about that far apart, age did play a huge part in our having a close relationship growing up, among other things, but now age isn't anything to us, we are closer than ever and the best of friends.  Still, it's been 10 years since I've carried a baby to full term, I really feel like I'm getting close to having my last opportunity to carry another one, which may explain my sudden infatuation with TTC.  I will say, it has been very interesting actually having to TRY to get Pregnant, exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time, but would do anything if it meant being able to hold a newborn in my arms again. 
If eggie and spermie have made a love connection, I can expect the egg to implant sometime at the end of this weekend to the beginning of next week (5-7days), that's when I should begin to feel some effects of the HCG being released.  Normally, my boobs are the first to alert me, with soreness and sensitivity.  Last Pregnancy they alerted me around 9-10dpo, so I won't really expect to feel anything until then, although I will keep in mind that every pregnancy is different and I can't expect the exact same symptoms for each one.  I will probably begin my testing around 12-13dpo (Really going to try to wait!).  Praying, Praying, Praying if I am PG that HE will Protect me and baby from start to finish and He will spare me from ever having to endure "the storm" again.

TTC Journey Update

Since my MC in Jan. 2011 I have been charting and am now in the middle of my 2nd cycle.  My 1st cycle post MC (Feb) was quite eventful.  I had a very unusual period, well periods, one in the beginning and another one about a week later.  I did Ovulate during that cycle but was unable to BD (Baby Dance) properly because I was hospitalized during my two Peak, or most fertile, days.  Not to mention I also had a lovely yeast infection in the beginning of my cycle as well.  Let's just say I was a mess and so was my chart.  Thankfully, I've moved on to my 2nd cycle which has been more normal for me.  My chart is looking pretty sweet and I'm enjoying being able to look over it, and get a good idea of what is happening with me.  I have just ovulated and am hoping my BDing filled weekend has paid off, but won't know for sure til testing time, about 2 weeks from now (this is called the 2WW-2 week wait, which can feel more like an eternity). 

I am so grateful for all of the knowledge I have acquired and am still acquiring since having the MC.  Literally, a whole new world has opened up to me, one I've never ventured into before, it's called the World of Trying to Conceive (TTC)!  I've made many new friends in this place and it has been refreshing to have their company along the way.  I have learned more about my body and my reproductive system in 2 months than I have ever known in my 33 years of life!  I mean, who knew it was normal to have a cycle length that wasn't the standard 28 days!? Many, probably, but not me!  Good thing I know this too, because I don't have the standard 28 day cycle!  I have come to find out my cycles range more around the 33 day mark, which puts my fertile window at a totally different time that I would have been prepared for had I not known all of this.  Just knowing this little bit about your body is empowering, but wait there's more, so much more!  First, there's the whole learning about what goes on within your body during a typical cycle, the hormones that fluctuate, the follicles that work to release the egg, the journey the egg takes, the beautiful act of when sperm meets egg and the journey they take together, and again the HORMONES. It is all so intricate and perfect, the wonders of the human body!  Then, there's what takes place externally during what is taking place internally, the temperature shifts, the cervical mucus and position, all telling signs of what you are experiencing and what to expect.  Once, you learn to chart these signs then you are on the road to fully understanding your cycles and getting to know yourself like never before. 

Because this is only my 2nd cycle and I'm still in the beginning stages of getting to know how I work, I've learned much from just the 1st to the 2nd.  I have even started incorporating some helpful tools in the process.  This fertile window I introduced OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits), and boy have they been a hoot!  They definitely take some getting used too and require a trained eye when it comes to reading them, or they can be confusing.  I was happy, after many days of negatives, to finally receive positive readings this past Sat. & Sun.  I also used Mucinex this cycle to increase my CM, which it did very well Friday night, in fact maybe a little too well, I think it got all my EWCM out at once cause I was barely wet the next two nights.  But, thanks to the PreSeed, I did not have to remain barely wet the rest of the weekend *insert happy face here*.  I was so sure, based on all my signs, and last cycle, I O'ed Sunday, and I may have, but my temps were not reflecting it this morning, instead they have not risen and I got a negative on OPK.  SMH.  So, all I can do is hope my temps rise in the morning and hope that the weekend was enough to catch my Rainbow. KMFX!

Reaching for my Rainbow

I heard a cute little saying recently from heartbroken meant to be mommies, the phrase is "I'm praying for my Rainbow Baby".  I had to inquire of them what that meant.  I was told because after every storm comes a Rainbow. In life there are personal storms that we go through, but no matter how rough that storm may get we have hope because we know that all storms come to an end and at the end is where we find our beautiful sky filled with the most brilliant Rainbows.  You see, these women had experienced one of the worst storms a mother could ever experience, the loss of a child.  A child they had never met in person, but very much alive and growing within them, forming and molding into the little person they would soon become.  A child that they had longed for and had finally become a reality.  A child they had already fallen in love with and pictured a life filled with.  For reasons, unknown and inconceivable to the human pysche this precious child was taken from them in an instant, through a miscarriage.  The pain and sorrow of a miscarriage is all too familiar to a majority of women, I for one was immune to this storm, or so I thought.  Having had 3 precious blessings in my 20's, without even trying, the threat of a miscarriage never entered my mind.  That was something that happened to other women, not me.  Oh how shocked and saddened I was to experience this storm for myself in my 30's.  I so love my babies and would gladly receive all the babies my Heavenly Father would bestow upon me.  My heart and womb are open and willing and always have been.  So, why?  Why is a hard question to live with, even harder when you know it will never be answered.  Coming to terms with the unanswered questions and moving on in the midst of them is not an easy thing to do.  Life is such a blessing and Death feels like such a curse.  I had joined the majority and distraught women who will always feel like a piece of them is missing.  Once the rains begin to cease and the noise of the thunder is only heard in the distance you can begin to hear the still, small voice comforting and instilling a new hope within, a hope for the future, a bright one, one that someday may include your Rainbow.  And surely as the clouds pass and the sunlight breaks through, you feel the peaceful, warmth on your face, as you take a deep breath and know that everything will be alright.  I have been through this storm and it was tumultuous, but the hope that the new day brought was comforting and wind beneath my broken down wings.  My heart is still filled with hope and my womb is still filled with desire.  I still believe my Elohim hears, knows, sees, delivers, protects, guides, keeps, provides for, and loves me more than anyone could.  So, even though my steps are filled with faith and my hands are steady reaching for my Rainbow, my Wants and Will lie in His Caring Hands.