Sigh of Relief... & Confessions of a conflicted mind...

Whewww....my hopes for a temp rise this morning have been answered!  *booty shake* So, my low temp yesterday was, as I suspected, a fall-back temp and nothing to worry about.  Today is a good day!  The excitement for this cycle continues to grow.  Am I Pregnant??  That is the question, and thankfully I only have about a week to find out the answer.  Speaking Positively, lets say that I am... My fertilized egg should be in my tube making its journey headed toward my uterus and home for the next 9mths!  It should implant sometime by the end of this weekend, in which I could possibly expect: Implantation pain, Implantation Spotting, Light Cramping, or Absolutely nothing (every PG is different).  At that point my P should be remaining high and the now zygote should be releasing Hcg, but levels not high enough to be tested.  By, Wed. I should be able to pick up on some signs of the PG and by Thursday the Hcg might be high enough to be tested via HPT.  I will be 9dpo.  My LP has been ranging 12-13, so I can figure if I haven't gotten a + by Saturday, I can most likely expect AF (Oh the horror of a thought)....Nah, I will be disappointed, but not discouraged and will just keep trying.  Father's timing is always right on time!
Now, in the past, I would get my + and immediately shout it from the rooftops with uninhibited joy, BUT, after going through the MC only 2 mths ago, I have become very reserved in sharing my news.  It doesn't help that DH (Dear Hubby) does not want me to be PG and is No support whatsoever.  He is not open to the idea of my TTC, but has not made it impossible for me either (if you catch my drift), so I figure, this is my life and my dream and my choice just as much as it is his.  If it was up to him, I doubt we would have the precious gifts that we have now!  My thoughts are, why bother him anymore with my dreams of having another and my attempts at doing so, it would just bring him unnecessary frustration and concern.  I know for a fact, (from past experience) if I was to become PG he would be just as excited as I, so for his sake and my sanity I will just wait and skip to the exciting part with him.  Getting back to my new found reservations and caution of sharing the good news, going through the MC was traumatic for, not only myself, but my whole family, I have no intentions of putting them through that sadness again.  Right now, I question whether I even want anyone, including DH, to know until at least my first Well Visit, which wouldn't be til 8 wks.  This would be preferred, IF I could keep the news to myself that long, 2 mths is a long time to retain such a secret.  And there are pros and cons to this.  The cons of keeping this entirely to myself would be the lack of support if something negative were to occur and the backlash of them realizing I kept this news to myself. Also, of course, I would be in secret torture trying to bottle up my excitement.  I would find some relief in my buddies at BBC (babycenter) who I've been confiding with all along and are also TTC (strangers really, with one misson in common).  I just know, if I were to tell DH from the get go and something bad were to happen, I have a feeling it would really do damage to my chances of TTC in the future, DH might do something stupid and fix himself to where it wouldn't be possible for me anymore!  That would seriously crush me and break my heart into a million pieces.  So, I don't know, this is quite the confliction going on in my thought process.  The pros of telling early are obvious, it would allow others to share in my joy (well, not the neo-Nazis of the family when it comes to baby news, but I wouldn't tell their butts until absolutely necessary anyway).  [TANGENT TIME...But what the heck is it any of their business anyway!  Don't people realize what a gift it is to be given the miracle of life!!!  Are people that darn selfish and have that much nerve to ever return your excitement with anything less than a happy Congratulations!!  Guess what they actually are!  Isn't in a crying shame!  I mean you would think you're telling them, They are PG, Have to carry a baby for 9 mths, Have to deliver the Baby, then Provide and Care for this child for the rest of it's life!!  Helloooo... Newsflash...It's NOT about you, so get over it!  Either your a friend, who loves us unconditionally and will be joyful when we are joyful or sorrowful when we are sorrowful OR You're Not!  And anyone, family included, who can not see a blessing for what it is, can stick it where the sun doesn't shine and spare me their phony happiness when the baby is born!!  Okay...Tangent over]  Also, I would have support from the beginning.  Right now, my pros are just not outweighing my cons, so idk.  If I could hold off for 8wks. the ONLY ones I would consider telling at that point would be DH, my kids, and my immediate family members, possibly a few close friends.  The FB Post would def. be put on hold til at least 12wks!  There is nothing worse than telling the whole world how excited you are then having to come back during utter depression and toll out the bad news, heaven forbid.
But, I am only 3dpo, so I will not go there yet...Like Scarlett O'Hara says, "I won't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow, for tomorrow's another day".
So, as it stands, I am hoping to continue to see my temps rise and/or stay elevated the remainder of my LP and beyond!  I have a whole week to wonder, dream, imagine and obsess...

TTC Journey Update

Since my MC in Jan. 2011 I have been charting and am now in the middle of my 2nd cycle.  My 1st cycle post MC (Feb) was quite eventful.  I had a very unusual period, well periods, one in the beginning and another one about a week later.  I did Ovulate during that cycle but was unable to BD (Baby Dance) properly because I was hospitalized during my two Peak, or most fertile, days.  Not to mention I also had a lovely yeast infection in the beginning of my cycle as well.  Let's just say I was a mess and so was my chart.  Thankfully, I've moved on to my 2nd cycle which has been more normal for me.  My chart is looking pretty sweet and I'm enjoying being able to look over it, and get a good idea of what is happening with me.  I have just ovulated and am hoping my BDing filled weekend has paid off, but won't know for sure til testing time, about 2 weeks from now (this is called the 2WW-2 week wait, which can feel more like an eternity). 

I am so grateful for all of the knowledge I have acquired and am still acquiring since having the MC.  Literally, a whole new world has opened up to me, one I've never ventured into before, it's called the World of Trying to Conceive (TTC)!  I've made many new friends in this place and it has been refreshing to have their company along the way.  I have learned more about my body and my reproductive system in 2 months than I have ever known in my 33 years of life!  I mean, who knew it was normal to have a cycle length that wasn't the standard 28 days!? Many, probably, but not me!  Good thing I know this too, because I don't have the standard 28 day cycle!  I have come to find out my cycles range more around the 33 day mark, which puts my fertile window at a totally different time that I would have been prepared for had I not known all of this.  Just knowing this little bit about your body is empowering, but wait there's more, so much more!  First, there's the whole learning about what goes on within your body during a typical cycle, the hormones that fluctuate, the follicles that work to release the egg, the journey the egg takes, the beautiful act of when sperm meets egg and the journey they take together, and again the HORMONES. It is all so intricate and perfect, the wonders of the human body!  Then, there's what takes place externally during what is taking place internally, the temperature shifts, the cervical mucus and position, all telling signs of what you are experiencing and what to expect.  Once, you learn to chart these signs then you are on the road to fully understanding your cycles and getting to know yourself like never before. 

Because this is only my 2nd cycle and I'm still in the beginning stages of getting to know how I work, I've learned much from just the 1st to the 2nd.  I have even started incorporating some helpful tools in the process.  This fertile window I introduced OPK's (Ovulation Predictor Kits), and boy have they been a hoot!  They definitely take some getting used too and require a trained eye when it comes to reading them, or they can be confusing.  I was happy, after many days of negatives, to finally receive positive readings this past Sat. & Sun.  I also used Mucinex this cycle to increase my CM, which it did very well Friday night, in fact maybe a little too well, I think it got all my EWCM out at once cause I was barely wet the next two nights.  But, thanks to the PreSeed, I did not have to remain barely wet the rest of the weekend *insert happy face here*.  I was so sure, based on all my signs, and last cycle, I O'ed Sunday, and I may have, but my temps were not reflecting it this morning, instead they have not risen and I got a negative on OPK.  SMH.  So, all I can do is hope my temps rise in the morning and hope that the weekend was enough to catch my Rainbow. KMFX!